Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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