do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize