I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
