Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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