she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
