I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
