Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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