I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
