every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
