Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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