I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
