i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
