Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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