This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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