and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
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