oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
