he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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