I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
