Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Welp...herpes.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize