Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Duck Duck Cougar?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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