Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
