so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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