there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
