She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
