In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
