The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
