For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
