you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
