Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
