JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
