Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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