Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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