i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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