i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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