I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My ATM looks so different sober.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
