The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
this just has baby written all over it
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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