Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
