I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
