then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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