I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
