I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize