Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
