why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
