What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
