Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
