i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
