I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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