My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
