As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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