his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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