if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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