You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize