I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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