What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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