I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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