true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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