I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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