y did u give ur computer a hand job?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
