your parents love me but you hate me
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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