Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
