I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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