Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
