dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
