i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize