someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
