Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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