the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
