I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
