Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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