You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
