My liver just broke up with me...
I want to have your abortion
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Randomize
